Love Levels the Playing Field

I think. A LOT! Some would argue that I think too much. I can't control my brain so I'm okay with it. But when I finally decide to release a random thought of the millions that pass through my mind in a day, sometimes it takes people by surprise. Even me, to be honest.

Still in evaluation mode of my recent past relationship, something came to me this morning. I tried too hard. My fella was so smart that it intimidated me. Unfortunately, that kept me in a constant state of trying to prove myself to him (hard to do when they're constantly a million miles away!) Not literally, but far enough as to not have a normal relationship.

Because of the distance and infrequency of seeing him, I cherished every phone call and visit. Looking back, I think I spent too much of that precious little time trying to impress. I'm not a bragger either, but I felt like I started to jump up and down and say "look at me". Maybe because we had been on again off again for three years and I felt I had to do something to prove to him I was worth his time and attention. I don't know but I have to say it was exhausting and embarrassing.

I wish I understood then what I understand now. He struggled with his own insecurities in relationship and it held him captive. Because, guess what? Love is a level playing field that brings everyone to their knees. Nobody's status, intellect, accomplishments matter. It's just raw heart to heart emotion. It's about how you feel toward each other and surrendering to those feelings through vulnerability and trust. It's an out-of-control environment akin to Rome's Colosseum where the gladiator's fought to the death. Very few relationships survive in that arena anymore. All I can do is learn and become better for next time. Keeping in mind, I'm enough and love is a level playing field!